Digital Diatribes

A presentation of data on climate and other stuff

Osama bin Laden Jumps on the Climate Change Bandwagon

Posted by The Diatribe Guy on January 29, 2010

First, I provide the article, and then I provide a secret conversation that has been lent only to us at Digital Diatribes, as to how this all came about!

CAIRO – Osama bin Laden sought to draw a wider public into his fight against the United States in a new message Friday, dropping his usual talk of religion and holy war and focusing instead on an unexpected topic: global warming.

The al-Qaida leader blamed the United States and other industrialized nations for climate change and said the only way to prevent disaster was to break the American economy, calling on the world to boycott U.S. goods and stop using the dollar.

“The effects of global warming have touched every continent. Drought and deserts are spreading, while from the other floods and hurricanes unseen before the previous decades have now become frequent,” bin Laden said in the audiotape, aired on the Arab TV network Al-Jazeera.

The terror leader noted Washington’s rejection of the Kyoto Protocol aimed at reducing greenhouse gases and painted the United States as in the thrall of major corporations that he said “are the true criminals against the global climate” and are to blame for the global economic crisis, driving “tens of millions into poverty and unemployment.”

Bin Laden and other al-Qaida leaders have mentioned global warming and struck an anti-globalization tone in previous tapes and videos. But the latest was the first message by bin Laden solely dedicated to the topic. It was also nearly entirely empty of the Islamic militant rhetoric that usually fills his declarations.

The change in rhetoric aims to give al-Qaida’s message an appeal beyond hardcore Islamic militants, said Evan Kohlmann, of globalterroralert.com, a private, U.S.-based terrorism analysis group.

“It’s a bridge issue,” Kohlmann said. “They are looking to appeal to people who don’t necessarily love al-Qaida but who are angry at the U.S. and the West, to galvanize them against the West” and make them more receptive to “alternative solutions like adopting violence for the cause.”

And now, the transcript from a secret conversation. Translated, of course:

[Bin Laden to inner circle]We must hit them hard. We must come out with a statement that will make the infidels quake in their overpriced Caterpillar boots.

Person #1: Osama, we have been working on a statement based on intelligence that tells us there is one thing that is striking fear in the hearts of these pagans. We must strike now, when – as they say in the West – the iron is hot.

Bin Laden: Do not give me sayings of the West, you blasphemer! What other phrase can we use to express the urgency of this matter?

Person #2: There is a great Persian saying, my eminence, about shaving the goat while it is eating the roots of the fallen tree.

Bin Laden: Blessings and thanks to you, my friend for bringing us back in proper focus. Now, Mohammed… what is this message for which we shall strike fear and trembling into the hearts of our sworn enemies?

Person #1: We have been following the infidel Albert Gore and the treacherous UN council labeled the IPCC. It seems as if they have already started the job for us. There is this concept of Climate Change for which they are creating all sorts of fantastical ideas about coming catastrophe.

Bin Laden: Indeed? Could it be that we can sit idly by and simply watch the destruction of the Western heathens without lifting a finger ourselves?

Person #2: Allah be praised if that were to happen, my clerical wonder. However, it is more likely that this is simply a ploy of exaggeration to – as they say in Persia – line their robes with peacock feathers.

Bin Laden: (grunt, and wave of hand) You speak to me of greedy unbelievers? Why do we spend our time with this prattle.

Person #1: Osama, they are being quite effective in causing angst and creating a sense of doom among their own people.

Bin Laden: Hmmm.. I think I understand. To what end might this lead?

Person #2: With Allah’s help, to their own destruction, my liege. You see, the infidels are prepared to engage in punitive taxation to supposedly combat the problem. They are to restrict all manner of energy independence with their own fuel resources. The people, it seems, are quite willing to – as they say in Persia – drown their own camels with the water from their own humps.

Person #1: What? I’ve never heard any such saying, Persia or otherwise!

Person #2: Um… I am quite certain…

Person #1: And the hump is a fat store, you fool! Admit it! You made that up!

Bin Laden: Enough! How is it do you suggest we take advantage of this?

Person #1: A stern statement against the policies of the West, blaming their infidel policies for causing climate change would be most certain to panic these Western swine into self-destruction! Taxes would rain like blood on the land, and carbon credits would starve competition. It would be quite wonderful.

Bin Laden: While I prefer something a bit more… exciting… I can appreciate this as one leg of the stool in our ongoing attack against the West. Please draft a statement, which I will then read and record, and present to the world in my usual dramatic fashion.

Person #2: As you, by Allah, command.

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2 Responses to “Osama bin Laden Jumps on the Climate Change Bandwagon”

  1. Robert Feeley said

    Osama bin Laden Blasts U.S. on Climate Change, Pizza:

    http://stupidassnews.wordpress.com/2010/01/30/osama-bin-laden-blasts-u-s-for-global-warming-dominos-pizza/

  2. Abu bin Yemen said

    Fire and brimstone, pestilence and Zionist smitings on all of you unbelievers. Allahu Akhbar!

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