Digital Diatribes

A presentation of data on climate and other stuff

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Hansen Finally Admits that he Manipulated Climate Data!

Posted by The Diatribe Guy on April 1, 2010

A contrite James Hansen admitted today that his tenure at NASA overseeing the GISS temperature anomaly data set has been an exercise of data manipulation.

Hansen provided little warning that he had misgivings about his work, and without giving any prior notice to anyone in his family or workplace, decided to call local radio station, WAFD, during early morning programming. The “Hester and Judy Show” was surprised to hear from Dr. Hansen. “We do cover some politics, and we have talked about global warming in the past,” explained Hester Ickel. “But this morning’s show was about adopting kittens at the Humane Society. His call took us a bit off guard, to be honest.”

At 6:47 am this morning, after returning from a commercial break, Judy Tidagin alerted listeners of a “Special guest on the line” and briefly told the audience of Dr. Hansen’s responsibilities. Here is the transcript of that conversation.

Judy: It is a pleasure to have you with us, Dr. Hansen. Thank you for joining us this morning.
Hansen: My pleasure, Judy. And Hester. I enjoy your show.
Hester: Dr. Hansen, do you have any kittens?
Hansen: No, I’m afraid not. That’s not why I called.
Hester: Tell us why you called, then. We’re told you have an interesting announcement.
Hansen: Yes… yes… Um (unintelligible) tough, you know. It’s not true.
Judy: What’s not true?
Hansen: Everything. I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy anymore, you know? I suppose this may make it worse for me, but I can’t help it.
Judy: Dr. Hansen, I’m afraid we’re not really sure what you’re saying.
Hansen: Temperature. It’s not as high as we say it is. We… we’ve figured out ways to… well, make it look a little worse than it is. Now, I still think it’s warming, but we’ve kind of helped the data along, you know?
Hester: Are you saying that you’ve falsified data?
Hansen: No, that’s not true at all. We make it very clear that we run the data through, well, processes. So everyone knows that we do something. The data’s real. Well, most of it, anyway… we try to sort that out a bit and get rid of questionable data. You know, the low stuff. But we smooth it out and run it through our algorithms and… well, you know… kind of tweak the assumptions to our suiting.
Hester: What exactly are you saying? Is global warming not true?
Hansen: No! It’s absolutely true! Just look at the data… oh, wait… never mind. I mean, we’re convinced it’s true. But sometimes the truth isn’t as apparent as we’d like it to be, you know? And we need to do something about all this, and we need to convince these politicians to do it. So, we have just found ways to help tell that story, you know? And, well, I’m just kind of tired. We can’t do this forever, and it’s getting more difficult.
Judy: Dr. Hansen, this is kind of a stunning admission. What led you to call us?
Hansen: I love your show. And I’m tired. And I love your show, you know? I’m sorry to run, but I’m kind of feeling a little queasy. I need to go.
Hester: Well, OK. Thanks for calling, Dr. Hansen.
Judy: Wow.
Hester: You said it.
Judy: April 1st, 2010. A day that will go down in history.

Posted in GISS, Global Warming, Humor, James Hansen | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Osama bin Laden Jumps on the Climate Change Bandwagon

Posted by The Diatribe Guy on January 29, 2010

First, I provide the article, and then I provide a secret conversation that has been lent only to us at Digital Diatribes, as to how this all came about!

CAIRO – Osama bin Laden sought to draw a wider public into his fight against the United States in a new message Friday, dropping his usual talk of religion and holy war and focusing instead on an unexpected topic: global warming.

The al-Qaida leader blamed the United States and other industrialized nations for climate change and said the only way to prevent disaster was to break the American economy, calling on the world to boycott U.S. goods and stop using the dollar.

“The effects of global warming have touched every continent. Drought and deserts are spreading, while from the other floods and hurricanes unseen before the previous decades have now become frequent,” bin Laden said in the audiotape, aired on the Arab TV network Al-Jazeera.

The terror leader noted Washington’s rejection of the Kyoto Protocol aimed at reducing greenhouse gases and painted the United States as in the thrall of major corporations that he said “are the true criminals against the global climate” and are to blame for the global economic crisis, driving “tens of millions into poverty and unemployment.”

Bin Laden and other al-Qaida leaders have mentioned global warming and struck an anti-globalization tone in previous tapes and videos. But the latest was the first message by bin Laden solely dedicated to the topic. It was also nearly entirely empty of the Islamic militant rhetoric that usually fills his declarations.

The change in rhetoric aims to give al-Qaida’s message an appeal beyond hardcore Islamic militants, said Evan Kohlmann, of globalterroralert.com, a private, U.S.-based terrorism analysis group.

“It’s a bridge issue,” Kohlmann said. “They are looking to appeal to people who don’t necessarily love al-Qaida but who are angry at the U.S. and the West, to galvanize them against the West” and make them more receptive to “alternative solutions like adopting violence for the cause.”

And now, the transcript from a secret conversation. Translated, of course:

[Bin Laden to inner circle]We must hit them hard. We must come out with a statement that will make the infidels quake in their overpriced Caterpillar boots.

Person #1: Osama, we have been working on a statement based on intelligence that tells us there is one thing that is striking fear in the hearts of these pagans. We must strike now, when – as they say in the West – the iron is hot.

Bin Laden: Do not give me sayings of the West, you blasphemer! What other phrase can we use to express the urgency of this matter?

Person #2: There is a great Persian saying, my eminence, about shaving the goat while it is eating the roots of the fallen tree.

Bin Laden: Blessings and thanks to you, my friend for bringing us back in proper focus. Now, Mohammed… what is this message for which we shall strike fear and trembling into the hearts of our sworn enemies?

Person #1: We have been following the infidel Albert Gore and the treacherous UN council labeled the IPCC. It seems as if they have already started the job for us. There is this concept of Climate Change for which they are creating all sorts of fantastical ideas about coming catastrophe.

Bin Laden: Indeed? Could it be that we can sit idly by and simply watch the destruction of the Western heathens without lifting a finger ourselves?

Person #2: Allah be praised if that were to happen, my clerical wonder. However, it is more likely that this is simply a ploy of exaggeration to – as they say in Persia – line their robes with peacock feathers.

Bin Laden: (grunt, and wave of hand) You speak to me of greedy unbelievers? Why do we spend our time with this prattle.

Person #1: Osama, they are being quite effective in causing angst and creating a sense of doom among their own people.

Bin Laden: Hmmm.. I think I understand. To what end might this lead?

Person #2: With Allah’s help, to their own destruction, my liege. You see, the infidels are prepared to engage in punitive taxation to supposedly combat the problem. They are to restrict all manner of energy independence with their own fuel resources. The people, it seems, are quite willing to – as they say in Persia – drown their own camels with the water from their own humps.

Person #1: What? I’ve never heard any such saying, Persia or otherwise!

Person #2: Um… I am quite certain…

Person #1: And the hump is a fat store, you fool! Admit it! You made that up!

Bin Laden: Enough! How is it do you suggest we take advantage of this?

Person #1: A stern statement against the policies of the West, blaming their infidel policies for causing climate change would be most certain to panic these Western swine into self-destruction! Taxes would rain like blood on the land, and carbon credits would starve competition. It would be quite wonderful.

Bin Laden: While I prefer something a bit more… exciting… I can appreciate this as one leg of the stool in our ongoing attack against the West. Please draft a statement, which I will then read and record, and present to the world in my usual dramatic fashion.

Person #2: As you, by Allah, command.

Posted in Climate Change, Current Events, Humor, News, Osama bin Laden | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

If We Had Some Global Warming

Posted by The Diatribe Guy on December 16, 2009

A friend of mine from Minnesota (who really likes to rub in the Vikings’ success with Brett Favre, by the way… well, we’ll move past that deficiency for now) sent me a link to this Youtube video. It’s just a fun look at the horrible consequences of Global Warming from the viewpoint of those in, as they call themselves, Minisoota. They call themselves “Minnesotans 4 Global Warming”.

Enjoy:

Posted in Global Warming, Humor, Music, Video | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

How Not to Remove a Wood Tick

Posted by The Diatribe Guy on May 31, 2007

This post has been moved to http://personaldiatribes.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/how-not-to-remove-a-wood-tick/.

Posted in Family, Health, Humor, Kids, Life, Parenting, Ticks, Wisconsin | 11 Comments »